The Need to be Needed

Last week I was having lunch with a friend of mine during which he insisted on focusing on my recent break up. There was so much to talk about... the FMLN's presidential candidate, the upcoming Black Eyed Peas concert, pending plans to check out an unexplored beach... but no, we got to talking about the break up.

For over an hour Tomas psychoanalyzed me and the failed relationship yet he talked in circles, dancing around what I could identify as one central point. Finally, he reached across the table nearly spilling my tortilla soup in to my lap and grabbed my right hand.

"Look, you're too self-sufficient. You can do everything! What man in his (very latino) right mind would even bother with you? You're smarter than most, make more money...man, you hear a funny noise while driving and dive under your car and check it out. A man has got to feel NEEDED and you make them feel like they're in your way!"

Well, usually they are in the way. But that's besides the point. Tomas definitely hit a nerve. Ouch.

In my line of work I bump up against human need every day. There's the obvious needs- dignified dwellings, food security, adequate medical care and education. Tangible, in your face, with pretty obvious solutions. In the span of a single afternoon I can run a community diagnostic, analyze needs, do a quick feasibility study and make a rough community development plan. Carrying out that plan could take years, but people generally feel their needs are being met while the process is under way. And I, well, I get to feel needed.

As a supervisor, I am constantly addressing needs. Part of what is fascinating about my job is that I am the "point person" on all things cultural, technical and sometimes emotional in these peoples' lives. I am afforded the oppotunity daily to fill peoples needs, be if for information, a pat on the back, advice on a sticky work situation or, in most cases, the simple need to be heard.

I feel good about that.

Sometimes the buzz I get from fulfilling peoples needs can be debilitating. Last week I got a phone call at 1 am on a Monday morning from a young woman who wanted to know if I could put more minutes on her cell phone because she was running out. There are limits.

So how does all this relate to Tomas' revelation over muffaleta and tortilla soup?

In my professional life I hold all the marbles. I'm the girl with the answers. All day long I meet peoples needs. I give. And give. And give. I like giving. I'm in charge, people come to me and my opinions count. My need to be needed is well fulfilled.

As with most of our workplace habits, this spills in to my personal life where I also tend to be in control, orchestrate, and feel this immense desire to be needed. Since I spend all day fulfilling peoples needs, I continue on at home, and don't let anyone do the same for me. I want to be competent and self sufficient. My parents taught me to be independent and somehow that lesson morphed in to "don't need anyone."

Of course, I've thought about all of this before and how unhealthy it probably is in the long run but I hadn't considered that other people picked up on this horrible weakness of mine.

I guess I could just blow Tomas off as a typical latin man who wants to be in charge, a mandar, but I think that would be simplifying it too much. All humans need to be needed, that's just how we're built, and if I can't make the people around me feel like I need them then I'm ignoring what is at their very core.

Just like I derive satisfaction from caring for people at work, the people in my life feel good about caring for me. In the thick of every day life, that simple truth is incredibly difficult for me to remember.